my birthday wish

I wish that all my fears would be gone:

my fear of failing,
my fear of underachieving,
my fear of passivity,
my fear of mediocrity,
my fear that my fears will come true,
my fear of not getting into law school,
my fear of wasting time,
my fear of wasting my youth,
my fear of fear itself,
my fear of living a passionless life,
my fear of a life without purpose,
my fear of loneliness,
my fear of not getting a great career,
my fear of not going anywhere,
my fear of being stuck,
my fear of being content,
my fear of boredom,
my fear of falling into a routine,
my fear of fear.

Pale Blue Dot

I found this on (where else?) Wikipedia today with the accompanying description:

"Pale Blue Dot" is the name given to this 1990 photo of Earth taken from Voyager 1 when its vantage point reached the edge of the Solar System, a distance of roughly 3.7 billion miles (6 billion kilometres). Earth can be seen as a blueish-white speck approximately halfway down the brown band to the right. The light band over Earth is an artifact of sunlight scattering in the camera's lens, resulting from the small angle between Earth and the Sun. Carl Sagan came up with the idea of turning the spacecraft around to take a composite image of the Solar System. Six years later, he reflected, "All of human history has happened on that tiny pixel, which is our only home."

So when you think about this - the fact that "all of human history has happened on that tiny pixel, which is our only home", this insignificant pixel in the whole of things - why do we still bother with wars and conflicts? I mean, natural disasters cause human suffering and death, ok, we can't avoid those, but the results of wars are man-made suffering and death of our fellow human beings.

Lest we forget.

I'm back with a prayer challenge

After a prolonged absence (mostly because I didn't really have much to say and got lazy), I'm officially back.

My daily routine now is that of a (as I call it) multi-part-timer. So everyday I wake up around 7:20 and head to the appropriate work place as needed and get home around 7ish. Then I have dinner, watch No Regrets, make cards/cross-stitch as required, tutor if necessary and study lsat (because, unfortunately, I'm retaking it in December at Everett since all the Vancouver spots are filled up).

Recently, I've been thinking about the things I pray about. Usually I start of with "Thank God today for _____________" and then I list some stuff that happened today that I'm thankful for. Then I go on into a long list of needs (recently it's been better LSAT scores (preferably 165), getting along with coworkers at new jobs, ability to save money, divine inspiration for upcoming music-related what-nots, church, motivation to read more and love people around me, etc).

But last week I some how came across the idea of trying to pray just praises to God. So I'm going to try that for a week starting today.

And already the first problem I can see is to differentiate between thanksgiving and praises.

Enneagram

Couple years ago, I did one of those online Enneagram tests (the ones that tell you what kind of person you are out of 9 pre-determined personality types). I am pretty certain that I was a hardcore Type 8 ("The Leader: The powerful, aggressive type.").

I did test again just now and somehow, I have changed into someone else: split-even between Type 1 (The Reformer: The rational, idealistic) and Type 7 (The Generalist: The enthusiastic, productive type.)

Either way, I still scored the lowest in Type 2 (The Helper: The caring, nurturing type.) and Type 9 (The Peacemaker: The easygoing, accommodating type).

Eh. guess I'm still the same.

IB Entrance Essay

When I wrote my IB entrance test in grade 8, they made us write an essay on a given quote. I've always remembered the general gist of the quote but today, as I was searching up quotes on ambition which eventually led to a search on Mark Twain quotes, I came across it again:

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. - Mark Twain

Micah 6:6-8

How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God?
Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with the yearling calves?
Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil?
Would He be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin?

But He's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple:
Do what is fair and just to your neighbour,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously -
take God seriously.

i hate waiting

two very important things that i'm waiting for:

1. Someone to finally email me and say "Miss Wong: Thank you for your interest in our firm. We are interested in meeting with you to further discuss your opportunities with us..."

2. Oct 9th so that I can finally write my LSAT and either give up on law school completely or know that I would at least be secure for the next 4 years with something to do

3. The next opportunity to travel

Exchange II

Last night I had a dream where I went to Germany (of all places) on exchange! Sometimes I think that I'm not as brave as before where I'd be willing to leave my home and go to a foreign country for 6 months like I did last time. I don't know what's gone into me...perhaps I'm getting old?

I remember when I was a kid and there was this one 包青天 episode where they were able to solve the case because they were able to "revive" the witness' memory through his sense of smell. Apparently, one's sense of smell is the one sense that can most effectively link back to old memories. Today while I was going through the cornmaze, I smelled, for a few seconds, a particular smell that immediately linked me back to my old kindergarten in Hong Kong - particularly the school's "mini farm" (where they had rabbits and chickens and stuff like that in cages). Strange eh?

the frog inside that teeny tiny well finally dares to take a glimpse of the outside world through a tiny crack

The audition, in my opinion, did not go too well (the orange remedy last night didn't totally recover my voice). My voice was totally not in condition at all and, honestly, even if it were, I was no where near the caliber that he was expecting. And maybe it was my nerves, I couldn't even sing a perfect-fifth during sight reading...even after 3 tries!

Anyways, it was a good experience (a good glimpse at what other people out there do) and how i am still a frog in a well.

On a more positive note, 米奇老鼠 bought me EASON'S DUO concert CD/DVD from HK: audio goodness is drifting around my room right now.

Cooked Whole Orange

My voice is not getting any better and i need it back at least 80% before I can go for my audition tomorrow night, so I have decided to try out my 契媽's remedy: cooked whole orange.

1. Boil an entire orange (peel and all) for 10 minutes.
2. Pour the water out, cut the orange in half.
3. Bake in 350F for 15 minutes
4. Eat all of it.

Sounds fun eh? It's baking right now. I'll see how it goes...

update: 苦到阿媽都唔認得

原來我好弱

Somewhere between "a long time ago" and "now", I have become a little weakling in my own right. I used to never get sick (or at most, twice a year) but in the recent years I've been getting sick more and more often and it's cutting into my ability to function properly (at least a handful of times each year).

The last time I was sick was June of this year (right before my vacation and i was so worried that they wouldn't let me on the plane!). I am already sick again...in just two months! What happened to the stuff they teach you in Biology 12 that you become immune to certain germs once you've had them? Did that germ evolve so fast that I am vulnerable to it again in just two months?! What the hell is going on?! Is the information in Biology 12 textbooks from just 5 years ago no longer valid?!

So now, I still have to work tomorrow because no one else can work for me and I'll still having to audition on Tuesday even though I probably can't sing higher than a C (and by that, I meant middle C).

This is BS! I have all the signs of a healthy lifestyle: I don't even drink pop or eat fast food often, I get enough servings of veggies regularly enough, i try to have a piece of fruit each day, I am not obese or underweight, I don't go on random diets or eating binges (not so certain about the latter actually), I walked for a few hours twice each week (aka my gourmet shifts), I don't sleep with my make up on, I don't drink excessively or smoke or take drugs or engage in self-destructing behaviour. SO WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Lessons from Michael Buble

Last night, after seeing Michael Buble at GM Place (aka Rogers Arena now), I wiki-ed him when I got home. According to Wikipedia, when Buble was a teenager, he'd sleep on his Bible and pray really hard that he could become a singer.

In my memory, there was a handful of times in my life so far where I've felt like I really want something and that I cannot imagine my life if I were to fail to get or achieve it. It's as if day in day out my thoughts would just go back to this one thing that I'm trying to achieve and that every other priority, responsibility or possibility just pales compared to this one big glowing "destiny" that I'm striving to fulfill.

Sometimes, I'd be pushing full-force ahead: I would be really confident that I can achieve this "Manifest Destiny" like there's no other way that things could possibly unfold and that this is what's "meant to be". I'd be confident enough to go and tell others that "ya, that's what's gonna happen to me in ____ amount of time". I'd be confident enough to take every step that I need to take in such a way that I don't treat them as hurdles in my path to success but rather as just steps (like how one most boil water and open the package of instant noodles before one can cook instant noodles to eat - the act of boiling water and opening the package are just steps, not hurdles).

Other times, I just want to sleep through all of it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I must do what I must. I'd be convinced that there's no way I can do it but maybe luck can bring me through. I'd regret ever telling people that I'm trying to achieve this because I'll be so afraid of having eventually to admit that I've failed in front of these people. Or having to face myself for my failures.

Well, at least things worked out for Buble.

Other People's Weddings

I love other people's weddings because it's a great excuse to buy a new dress for the occasion. what a selfish yet entirely valid reason =)

I also love it when coupons/gift certificates are threatening to expire on me. Because it is a perfectly nice reason to spend money now.

充實

Spent 3 hours at SFU library today to study for LSAT with the Powerscore LSAT Logic Games Bible (SOOO incredibly helpful! I just might manage to gain a few more points in that section...). 高妹 and I were studying on the 6th floor and apparently SFU library doesn't have A/C!! I was disappointed at first but thankfully they had all the windows open and it was quite breezy after all.

Had dinner at this wonderful place called Wilbur and Sebastian at Austin x Mariner today (where Thrifty Foods is). Great comfort food and incredibly full by the end of it all.

I won't mind continual unemployment if all my days spent jobless could be like this.

A Time to Do My Best

On my graduation day back in May, I've decided that if God ever gave me a second chance and let me go back to school next year or what not, I'll give it my 100%. I will no longer procrastinate. I will no longer trust in luck or my ability to bullshit. I will no longer assume that everything will turn out fine in the end. I will work hard and not take things for granted. I will give it my all because I want to be able to say that I am proud of what I've accomplished and that I have ran a good race.

But, as I research through potential law schools, I think I've come to the realization that God wants me to adopt this attitude now because without this attitude and such work habits, I might not be able to go back to school next year =(

Love from China

God must've heard my complaints of missing China because today He sent a very good friend that I met in China to talk to me on MSN (China people are RARELY on MSN): tons of reminiscing and all-around good chat with beloved friend and sister in Christ.

I am so thankful that I went on exchange to China.

China

Oh, how I'm missing you!

Death, Motivation

Recently, I've been thinking that a key factor of maturity (or at least, adulthood), is one's ability to handle death. My encounters with death are few and sparse - my grandfather when I was in grade 9 (by then I wasn't that close to him so I wasn't that upset but I actually felt bad because I was suppose to feel sad) and Dude (last year and I was really upset for a week). I think I still don't know what death really is or is like.

On a more positive thought, I've been extremely motivated ever since I came back from my month long vacation. So far, I've worked out 2 days out of 3 and studied 3 days out of 3. Instead of playing Sims, I've begun reading books that I've bought but never gotten around to reading. I've also cleaned my room and sent out 3 job applications.

Now if only someone would reply my job applications...

SFU Convo

Today I attended Benny's SFU Convo (CONGRATULATIONS!) Although the warmth of the occasion did warm my heart, I was still shivering under the two shawls that I had wrapped around myself.

But thankfully, I am off tomorrow to the warm and sunny east coast!

you're poorer than you think

At least I am. Unemployment + one month vacations aren't really compatible. Admission tickets to the parks in Orlando (i.e. Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Universal Studios...) already come to around $3xx. Plus plane tickets. Plus broadway tickets (at least I'm buying rush tickets...but still at least $40...). Plus shopping money (not mandatory, but good idea to bring some). Plus food.

But it's okay. Spending money is kinda fun haha.

Btw, Benny keeps imagining our cruise to be like those Corona commercials (i.e. lawn chairs on a beautiful, quiet, sunny, peaceful beach and a corona). I am more realistic. I imagine crowded, dirty, noisy, sticky hot beaches with nothing but bottled water that we bought for $5.

Declaration of War

Dear germs,

I will not be intimidated by your congregating in my throat. I will not allow you to ruin my vacation plans. Now get out!

Thanks,
Kathy

Changing

Today, I told a friend that it is okay for people to change if:

1. they realize that they are changing
2. they can correctly distinguish whether this is a good or a bad change
and
3. they are willing/able to make adjustments if they are unhappy with the change.

Now that I am thinking about this, I do give fairly ambiguous and random advice eh? Just another bunch of fluff and verbal diarrhea (that word again!) from the randomness and confusion that is my brain. But hey, maybe ambiguous and random advice is the best advice - the person who hears this advice can just interpret and do as they will.

Okay, I need sleep.

First Rejection and Gearing Up

I think I just got rejected by my first full-hearted attempt to get a job. I made it into the "top 10 candidates" pool but apparently if i made it into the top 5, they would notify me by end of Friday (which was almost 2 hours ago).

It's okay. I didn't expect it to be that easy.

In other matters...I am in full vacation preparation mode! 鄭少 and I have spent the past few weeks sporadically brainstorming what we want to do at each destination. Finally, we took yesterday morning to sit down and lay out what excursions to do at each port during the cruise. I've been searching for ways to cheap out at NYC food-wise, admission ticket-wise and shopping-wise (because we're not all Carrie Bradshaw's and can afford a pair of Manolo Blahniks at $500USD a pair). Ditto with Orlando.

And as I sit on my bed right now, covered by my down blanket (my dad says that we shouldn't put our winter clothes/blankets away until we've eaten 五月粽), I can't help but be slightly worried about the heat on the East coast. The other day my 三叔 called (the one who lives in NYC) and told us that they started turning on the a/c.

Whatever. If I could spend 5 hours walking around an extremely crowded Forbidden City in 32C temperature last year, I am basically invincible.

BA

Some tangible differences in being a graduate:

1. I now have TWO grad hats that don't fit me at home: the blue one from PMSS, the black one from UBC.
2. I now have TWO graduation pins: the blue, round IB one from PMSS and a UBC alumni one from today.
3. When I get a name card in the future, I would be Kathy Wong BA
4. I am no longer eligible for student rates at the gym, aquarium, etc.
5. I don't have a Upass.

Some intangible differences in being a graduate:

1. I can now officially pretend that I know a lot about International Relations (my major) and History (my minor).
2. I don't know what to refer to myself now since I can't say "student" anymore (I guess the closest term would be 'unemployed')
3. Midterms, finals, quizzes, and GPAs don't apply to me anymore (unless I decide to apply to grad school)


Oh, but one thing that is worth taking note is that I found out today (while reading through my UBC alumni handbook) that as an alumni, I have lifelong access to UBC's libraries. SOO AWESOME!

the beginning of nothing

tomorrow I am going to get a piece of paper that marks the beginning of nothing. good job.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i'm an oldie

another good one.

Idiot

i'm an idiot. my graduation date is Thursday the 27th not Wednesday the 26th. See? this shows exactly how much I care about that piece of paper.

If...

If you've never been to UBC or
if you've got nothing better to do next Wednesday or
if you want a mini-vacation to a faraway land or
if you want to go to a big forest for a walk or
if you want to visit the place in Greater Vancouver that most resembles Hogwarts or
if you want to take pictures of roses at the UBC Rose Garden or
if you want to spend around 2 hours driving or
if you want to transit for 3 hours or
if you just want to surprise me or
if you want to share a special milestone with me...

then please, come to my graduation and celebrate the end of 19 years of formal education with me.

Date: May 26th, 2010
Time: 12:30pm
Place: Rose Garden, UBC

I will be very grateful and awed because I can't believe that anyone would wanna travel all the way to UBC for me.

PMPG 15th Anniversary

For most people, there are identities that we don't realize until it suddenly hits you.

Today, I realized that I've basically grown up with PMPGMBC. I've been with this church since it first started in 1995 (although I honestly can't remember). I've "experienced" leadership of all the previous lead pastors (although I actually didn't know them personally nor was I on talking terms with them since I was basically a kid until the latter half of Rev. Cheung's time here). I recognize the faces of all the people that have once served in this church. I remember certain events that a lot of people in our church today probably don't know about. I remember being in Pioneer Clubs and Una 姐姐. I remember when Cindy Luu was a Sunday School Teacher, and not yet a missionary. I remember when children's worship (from grade 1-6) was in room in the church basement. I remember the 7th Anniversary celebration at Radisson (now a casino hotel) and how it was the first time we met Rollie. I remember when the room with two doors in the church basement were two separate rooms. I remember that the sanctuary used to have a huge massive wooden cross in the middle of the front wall and how I thought that was so cool.

So today, as the church celebrated its 15th anniversary (and I can finally relax after all the planning and organizing), I finally realized that I am a PG, just as much as I am a Chinese, or a Wong, or a girl, or a UBC graduate, or a black belt. And PG, for the past 15 years of my life, has been my family. And all 500+ people who come to church on Sunday with me, are my family members, not in the sense where the words "brothers and sisters" just seems like a friendlier way to address "fellow Christians", but in the sense that they are my family because I, for the past 15 years, have grown up with them.

Actually, no not anymore.

the other day i was at Lougheed Mall when the following happened:


BMO credit card salesperson guy:
Hey there do you have a minute?

Me with my shopping (oh how i dislike people that try to get me to buy/sign up for things):
no not really.

PERSISTENT BMO credit card salesperson guy:
you are a student, aren't you?

Me with my shopping, paused for a minute:
Actually, no not anymore.

not-so-persistent-after-all BMO credit card salesperson guy turns and goes bug someone else.

I think this is the very first time I am actually kinda happy that I am no longer a student.

And can it be that I should gain

To be very honest (and hopefully not offend anyone out there), it is very difficult to for me to find Christian songs/hymns that I like. It seems like all the ones in Hymns of Life sound the same, all the ones from Streams of Praise sounds the same and all the "contemporary" Cantonese ones sounds the same too. To be fair, I don't listen to "christian" music outside of church either (Chris Tomlin fan? no not really.) I am also kinda picky with "Christian hymns" too because I don't like songs that are "unsingable" and lyrics that are cliches so it's rather annoying.

But occasionally, I do find hymns that I really like: where the melody is comfortable and the lyrics are genuine and true. This song is one of them.

learning to say no

Seems to me a lot of people have trouble learning to say "yes". And because they can't say "yes", they let a lot of opportunities and chances pass them by.

But i think i have trouble saying "no" more. when people come and ask me to help with something or to lead something or to be part of _________ committee, i tend to say yes right away.

It is time to learn to say no.

自我安慰

On days where I feel like there is nothing here for me to look forward to, all I need to do is go here, sign in to my account and see the "confirmed" status. It's reassurance that my getaway is not very far away at all.

public speaking

today i was helping my new grade 5 tutor student prepare her public speaking speech for next Monday when I was suddenly reminded of how I had to write speeches too when I was in elementary school.

I remembered that in grade four, my topic was "overpopulation" (how overpopulation is bad for the Earth and why that is so). In grade five, my topic was "the goods and bads of public speaking". I remembered that my speech won first place in my class and hence I was able to go to the school-wide public speaking competition and compete in front of the whole school with other classes. For some reason, there were two winners - myself and this other kid called Nathan MacDonald. The winner of the school competition was supposed to go to the district-wide competition but unfortunately, only one winner was allowed to go. The principal decided to toss a coin and Nathan ended up being able to go. I remember feeling really disappointed but I tried to be really tough and not cry. I didn't cry until I saw my dad after school. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have allowed the principal to make a decision like that by tossing a coin. Additionally, Nathan was also the school-wide champion in grade 4 hence he went to the districts before whereas I've never been to them.

In the end, I was allowed to go watch the districts. Nathan lost. And maybe because his mom felt sorry for me, he gave me a pot of flowers at the end of the school year.

In grade 8, I wrote another speech on "Snoring". I managed to win in class but didn't win against other classes in my school.

Most people find public speaking scary, but I think I thrive on it.

團訓

Every Friday night, Joshua fellowship goes through the usual "ritual" (please allow me to use this word because I don't know what other word to use) of reciting our theme verse:

這 律 法 書 不 可 離 開 你 的 口 ， 總 要 晝 夜 思 想 ， 好 使 你 謹 守 遵 行 這 書 上 所 寫 的 一 切 話 。 如 此 ， 你 的 道 路 就 可 以 亨 通 ， 凡 事 順 利 。
我 豈 沒 有 吩 咐 你 麼 ？ 你 當 剛 強 壯 膽 ！ 不 要 懼 怕 ， 也 不 要 驚 惶 ； 因 為 你 無 論 往 那 裡 去 ， 耶 和 華 ─ 你 的 　 神 必 與 你 同 在 。

And even though I've been reciting this verse once a week for almost 2 years, sometimes I don't give much thought to what I am saying (tends to be the case for a lot of church-related stuff eh? songs, verses, creeds...). Until last night, I was doing my devotions and reading from The Message when I came across it in...ENGLISH!

And don't for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed. Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.

And having finally finished reading the first five books of the Bible (i've actually never done that...I always get stuck halfway through Exodus), this verse suddenly makes a lot more sense in terms of its context and the amount of "meat" that it has. And having finally digested it instead of just licking the surface of it once a week, I think I finally understand why someone decided to pick this verse to be our theme verse.

Jet Lag

It's 12:17am and I just heard a bird chirping outside: the kind of chirping that usually occurs at 4:30am just when the sun is ready to rise.

Either that bird is majorly jet-lagged or this has something to do with global warming/urbanization/deforestation/whatever.

Flip Flops

Today, for the first time in 2010, it was warm and sunny enough to wear flip flops and not risk freezing your toes off or have to wade through puddles.

And it felt awesome.

A (temporary) Farewell

I've been in school since the age of 2 and today, after 19 years, I will no longer be going to school anymore (except for my two finals and to hand in my paper next week but that's not important).

I will no longer get to experience the excitement of first days back to school in September, or be completely blown away by something the prof/teacher just said in lecture (yes, sometimes those do happen). I will no longer have a legitimate excuse to stay up on a computer all night in the name of 'finishing a paper' or bring home a dozen library books in my backpack (and, if necessary, whatever plastic bag I can find). I won't ever get a piece of assignment or paper back and think: wow I totally lucked out with this one or be extremely upset because I thought I did better. And so much more.

The really peculiar thing is, I know I've grown in the last 19 years (of course) but now that I'm supposed to be all prepped up and ready to face the real world, I don't feel that ready at all.

Example: I went into UBC almost 4 years ago armed with an IB diploma (I thought that meant I was a genius), feeling oh-so-confident, ready to take on anything and anyone. I thought i was going to graduate with a BComm (because that was just the most useful thing to graduate with) and basically be set for the next 40 years of my life. I honestly thought that University was probably the last hurdle of my life and once it's done and I have that piece of paper with my name printed on it, employers will come flying at me and I will miraculously end up with a job that pays well, is stressless and live like I'll never have to work hard again.

4 years later, I am graduating with a BA in International Relations (no obvious job connection there), feeling like I spent the past 4 years scratching the surface of something that is oh, so much more vast than I can possibly imagine and realizing that University isn't the last hurdle of my life at all. There are no jobs flying at me and in fact, for (arguably) the first time in my life, I have no idea what's going to happen to me in half a year's time (would've been next month if it wasn't for my vacation and LSAT).

But yes, I did gain something and just might have managed to learn something about myself too.

I've learned in the past 4 years, that I am not really that practical afterall. If I were, I would've stayed with a BComm. I've also learned that I'm seriously really interested in China. I knew I liked learning about China in high school but once here, I realized that I don't ever want to stop learning about this place or experiencing it in various ways. I'm also not as confident in my ability as I thought I was and that I do like to crowd myself with doubts. I've learned that there is nothing that can be gained or earned in this world that can guarantee a safe, happy, stressless future (no, not even a BComm my friends). I've learned that I am a person driven by my interests and not by a need to do well in everything (i.e. I do well in courses that I am really interested in but if I am in a course I detest, I cannot convince myself to put my mind into it). I've also learned that there is no way you can finish learning. More recently, I've learned that, if given a choice, I'd much rather spend my life learning and staying in school.

So long, my formal education. Till we meet again. I hope this isn't the end of our bitter-sweet relationship.

no pain, no gain

And that goes for booking my flight to NYC with air miles too.

Because I've been flying to and around Asia so frequently in the past few years (YVR --> HKG x3 (06, 08, 09) and HKG --> NGB (09)), I only need to use $120 CDN to "buy" more airmiles in order to get a "free" ticket to NYC this summer.

Of course, since CX is technically only making $120 CDN off of me out of this transaction, there is no possible way that they will make it easy for me.

But again: no pain no gain. I've presevered through and defeated the site tech errors, the inconvenient flight times, the constantly-busy "24-hours help hotline", the pestering parents, the $100 Canadian airport tax and have now (I think) booked myself a vacation to NYC.

Keep Calm and Carry On

A few weeks ago I was up at SFU, perusing the bookstore when I found a cool 2011 agenda book (ya they're selling those already!) and the cover was based on this British propaganda poster that was designed during WWII. According to my best friend (aka Wikipedia) the poster was designed in 1939 (the beginning of WWII) as a "last case scenario" should the Nazis succeed in invading Britain. However, none of the printed posters were distributed and the design was not rediscovered until 2000 in a British bookstore.

I think this is a good reminder for a lot of us today as we face random(?) disasters (manmade and natural), problems (self- and others-generated) and hardship. As the Bible says, none of us get to add a day to our lives by worrying.

And to fit with this general idea of not worrying and having things solve themselves, I've changed my welcome picture-banner thing up there to a historical photo of the Yalta Conference starring Churchill, FDR and Stalin that was intended to rebuild the Europe post-war. Of course this whole thing lend to other issues but that's something else...

the first signs of summer

You know summer is around the corner when the buzzing sound of the first house fly that is separated from its freedom by your bedroom window prevents you from napping.

I looked at the annoying pest and thought:
1. The weather JUST warmed up. How did it manage to hatch, learn to fly, accumulate such enormous mass AND get into my bedroom in such a short period of time?
2. How did it manage to get into my room? Surely it couldn't have pulled its fat self through the tiny pores of my window screen...
3. Most importantly, how can I make it leave?

I guess groundhogs tell you when spring arrives. House flies tell you when summer is almost here.

命裏有時終須有, 命裏無時莫強求

My parents always used to listen to this song when I was younger and I've always loved it for its melody. Now that I understand the lyrics, it's even more meaningful.

And yes, I do feel old when I listen to this song haha.

what's going on?

For the past few days, I feel as if I'm being hounded/annoyed by something but I'm not sure what it might be. It seems like I've either forgotten to do something that is quite urgent/important or that there is a approaching deadline that I've yet to deal with. I can think of a feel reasons why I might be feeling anxious...

• I was supposed to have a paper due Thursday but the prof already postponed that...
• I have a paper proposal due also on Thursday but I've finished that already
• I have a performance on Friday night but I'm quite ready I think. And usually these things don't start to stress me out until around an hour before I actually have to get on stage
• I have to lead worship this week. And there's a new worship team member. Actually this one might be one of the reasons.
• I've yet to catch up last week and this week's course readings. This one is probably it too.
• I haven't translated an article that I was supposed to have translated by last Friday. Yup this one too.
• I haven't been to one of my course lectures for far too long (although it is rather useless). This one's definitely one.

Okay so I think I've got a few reasons down. Then again, some may suggest that this anxiety is biological. Oh c'mon it's not that unreasonable, please!

CBK

For the past few days, I've been busily working on my Unabomber essay, waking up extra early and all that, only to find out today that the professor has postponed the paper for two weeks. I'm relieved but at the same time somewhat ticked off because I've been working so hard on it and have been looking forward to handing it in on Thursday.

I wish I can say that I will effectively use these two weeks to improve and polish it better but I honestly doubt that will happen. I really wished that I was someone who really puts it more effort and drives for perfection, instead of someone who just put the minimum amount of effort in and just aims to get the work finish. I have to say that my 'minimum amount of effort' probably gets me further than most people's 'minimum amount of effort' but I just know that if i really tried, i can really do that much better and would've probably reached most of my goals by now (instead of just forgetting about them or changing my mind about them). I don't know why I have such a hard time motivating myself to really get off my ass and really do really well in something instead of being satisfactory in everything. And whenever I do actually manage to get off my ass (oh, a once in a blue moon kinda thing), I just sit back down and lose drive just as quickly.

I'm not just talking about academics or school but also in my relationship with God, my relationship with people, my fitness plan, my savings, my relationship with my family, my worship leading, my fellowship vice-chairperson being, my singing, my devotional life, my character building. Everything.

And this is the worse part, the part that I most loath in myself: my sitting here whining about this and then tomorrow I will wake up and everything will still be the same. I will still pick songs for Sunday's worship without spending enough time praying. I will still go to fellowship and just count the offering, take attendance and that's it for my vice-chairman tasks. I will still talk back to my mom or ignore my dad. I will still aim to finish a 15-page paper instead of aiming to finish a perfect 15-page paper. I will still not read the Bible for days at end. I will still doubt things that people say and not take them for face-value. I will still spend more money than I really should. I will still sleep in instead of going to the gym. I will still not trust the people that I really should trust by now.

I need to be a CBK: a 'cycle-breaking Kathy'.

But today, yes at least today, I felt truly disgusted with myself and was honest about it. So sue me.

Time to Love

For the very first time in my life, I heard my voice singing on the radio (I missed it last week haha). I must say, it was rather nerve racking. I wonder what people think or say when they hear it (maybe they don't notice haha). I just think I sound very different and 比真人溫柔得多 haha.

Thank you Deakin for giving me this chance of singing a great song and making me feel like a 歌手 by playing the song on the radio and calling me a "本地歌手". I don't know if I'll ever have a chance like this in the future.

and thank you 鄭少 for waiting two hours by the radio with me haha.

自我檢討

有時候, 我覺得我很需要一個敢閙我, 一個敢毫不客氣跟我説話的人. 我懶惰的時候會踢我, 我"克人爭"的時候又會跟我說, 做錯又會毫不偶爾指出我的錯誤. 但是, 我大部分時間都是一個滿恐怖的人, 又不容易接受批評, 反而會覺得夠膽對我誠實的人對我有敵意. 説到底, 我都是覺得自己是一個很小氣的人, 不喜歡給別人"話", 又惡又大聲, 搞到無人敢跟我說這些事. 真是要好好自己檢討一下...

Just a weird funny thought: recently, I realized that as much as I love and adore Vancouver, I feel like I belong in China.

Alice in Wonderland

Alice: It's impossible...

Hatter: Only if you believe it is.

好稍息

I now have definite traveling plans for this summer, thanks to my expiring Asia Miles.

No way am I letting those 26 000 points (aka 3 trips to HK in the past 4 years) going to waste without using them to go to more places.

Suddenly, graduation doesn't look too bad after all!

強心針

To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.


- Yann Martel, Life of Pi

The End of Two Weeks of Non-Productivity

With the 2010 Games finished, packed up, and (almost) gone, I have to get ready for the hell-hole known as UBC again. Actually, I say that now but I know I will miss it within a few months.

Laziness, beef, pork and "voice-capability crises"...

i don't know what's wrong with me.

Lots of times in my everyday life, things would happen to me or I would see something or a thought would come up in my mind and I'll go "hey! I should record that down in my blog tonight" but when I go home I just forget about it or (worse yet) remember it but just be too lazy to type it out here. The result is that 1. I forget most of what happens to me and 2. This blog is stranded for weeks at times.

Anyways...

I've managed to gone one full week (minus Sunday) without pork or beef to celebrate Lent. Frankly, I am quite proud of myself because it is a very difficult feat for a foodie like me (esp. tonight when my mom made my all time favourite 鹹蛋豬肉) but I've managed thus far. I do get really hungry at night since some meals I just eat vegetables and rice but other than that, I've been okay. Just a bit more over a month to go...

Another thing that's been bugging me for the past week is my singing. As a general rule, I try to avoid listening any recordings of my own singing (unless I'm part of a choir in which case I won't be able to hear my own voice) because, honestly, I hate my singing and if i can avoid listening to it I won't suffer from an voice-capability crisis like I am right now. Really I am not even exaggerating or being cocky. On Sunday as I sat there and listened to my own voice I can barely kept a straight face because it was like torture. I simply cannot stand it and I felt sorry for everyone else in the room who has to endure 3 minutes of this (for lack of a better word) crap. And I am quite convinced that it was not the song (actually the song itself was great) because this is not the first time I've heard my sing and thought to myself "Wow 3 years of training and so much money for this bs?" (not that my teachers were, in any way, bs because they are awesome singers)

Which begs the question, are you actually good at something if you yourself don't think that you are?

And so the Nightmare Beings

After much delay, consideration and procrastination, I finally got my very first credit card. I think it took so long for me to get one because 1. too lazy to actually go to the bank, 2. don't see why i really need one and 3. don't trust myself enough to get one.

Hopefully I will be able to prove to myself that I am now responsible enough to have a powerful piece of plastic in my wallet.

Never was much too excited about the upcoming 2010 Olympics (I am a grouch who'd much rather see all that money go towards alleviating homelessness or lowering my sky-high tuition) but after seeing a list of all the free stuff that's going on in town for the next month, I must admit that I am tempted to cross the floor. I am a cheapass, yes, i will admit.

Perhaps until I attempt to take transit or navigate through Vancouver later on this month.

A Match For A Match

Today, I was reminded by a person that truly inspires me to be well-prepared for everything. As I wouldn't have gone into a taekwondo competition without stretching, or a piano exam without practicing scales, or a driving exam without making sure the mirrors and seat are well adjusted, or a singing performance without doing doing vocal warm up, or even going to school without my pencil bag or my notepad, why would I ever do anything else in my life, without preparing for it?

Had a really great relaxing day tonight just playing Monopoly with Karen, 鄭少 and MickMo. Although I only ended up with $4 and 250$ worth of debt, the laughing does my body a great deal of exercise that no amount of gym workout can match.

Life goin' nowhere, somebody help me, yeah

I was just about to start whining and complain on this blog post about life in general today but then suddenly, my iTunes shuffled itself to the Bee Gee's Stayin' Alive.

Now I know that even my iTunes is rooting for me。 Ah, what a relieve.

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can't get either I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right, it's O.K.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.

Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive

Dear God

So, when You want me to do something or go somewhere, You will use whatever possible way to grab my attention and make me know that that is what You want, right?

Okay God. I need a huge sign. Call me, text me, msn me, email me, facebook me, tell me. I will even visit Twitter more often so that You will have the option of tweeting me, okay? I need a sign so big that I will not be able to make an excuse or a reason to doubt it. And You know how good I am at making excuses so You really need to think of a good sign. And when You show me this sign, make sure I know for sure that it's for me and no one else. Make sure You make me understand that this is my road and that no one else can walk it for me. Oh, and make sure that You remind me that if I don't do Your will, no matter how difficult it might look, my own paths will always be more difficult.

And for my part, I will be extra attentive. I will pay attention to everything that happens around me and everything that the people around me say in case You're trying to reach me. I will pray extra hard and read my Bible more often. I will pay more attention in Sunday school, Joshua and worship. I will pay attention to the lyrics of the song that we sing at Church. I will even memorize Bible verses.

Okay, so we got a deal, eh? I know You want me to do Your will, so You really gotta tell me, aite?



And so my waiting begins.

Julie & Julia

This movie just gave me the most exciting/bizarre/impractical idea:

Maybe I should go into cooking school after I finish this May and do something I absolutely love - cooking and eating.

24

i watched the season premier of 24 with benny today. i didn't think it was that good haha...maybe because I fell asleep halfway. I always say Sundays are tiring.

Haiti

i don't know how quite to explain this frustration.

My homepage is the Globe and Mail website and for the past two days, every time i opened my internet browser (which is all the time), the first thing I see are photos of the devastation and chaos in Haiti. I don't know who to complain to because it is so unfair for an earthquake to hit the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere - the country that is guaranteed to have one of the highest number of deaths and damages if a earthquake should hit, as it two days ago. Then of course, an earthquake is but a natural disaster so I can't blame a natural disaster for a 'decision' that it did not make.

Another thing that frustrates me is the fact that I am just sitting here. Of course it is totally unrealistic for any of us to pack our bags, go to the airport, and try to hail the next flight to Haiti to go and 'help out', but there should be more than just sitting here and reading the updates. Donating to the Red Cross alleviated this frustration slightly but I still feel like I didn't do enough.

These guys are in Haiti right now, helping out. Read what they have to say.

Chinese white food (not white Chinese food)

Went to Joe's Atlantic Grill (near church) for breakfast today. Excellent hash and eggs benedict. Turns out the cook (maybe even the owner?) was a Mandarin speaking Chinese. Never underestimate the ability of Chinese people to cook white.

new year's resolutions and 王貽興

i don't really have the habit of writing down new year's resolutions or even making them because 1. it seems like i forget about them quickly, 2. i probably never get around to trying to consciously achieving them, 3. i don't know when a goal is 'reasonable' and when it is 'too easy', 4. my goals seem to change every now and then and 5. i usually don't feel like confining myself to doing certain things for the rest of the year. I think I just make do with a nebulous idea of approximately what would be nice to accomplish this year and don't bother writing it down.

Any how, today was a no-ubc day and went out to get some stuff done that somehow all had some relations to my ambiguous webs of goals now that I think about it. Firstly, I went 'gym-shopping' (Fitness World turns out to be too expensive so I think I will go to the Port Moody Rec Centre...). I also dropped by the travel centre to find out if there's any where I can go for olympic break and picked up some information on Europe. I also went to TD and applied for my very first visa card (believe it or not). I've always postponed this because 1. just too lazy to drop by the bank for longer than 5 minutes and 2. i don't trust myself with plastic methods of payment. But i think I am now 'old enough' to be trusted with this mechanism and hopefully, when I do find a career (fingers crossed) this would not be too big of a problem.

I think that just about sums up a few of my goals this year.


Couple days ago, I was reading 明報 and read an article by 王貽興 about writing and composition. He says that writing and composition is not so much just about conveying information to others, but also about getting to know oneself more. He gave the example of 我的志願: writing about our future ambitions might not be able to help us figure out what we really want to do in the future because we always tend to stick with the cliches (doctors, teachers, lawyers...). He said that maybe if we went the reverse (i.e. write about what you don't what to do), we might be able to find out more about what we do what to do.

I thought that was a great idea, so from now on, I will try to include a small paragraph, whenever I can, of a job that i don't want to do and see if I can get a clearer picture of what I do want to be.

What I Don't Want To Be: Accountant.
I found this out when I was in grade 11 actually when I worked a student-work term at an accounting firm. I don't think I will be very excited about a job where I deal with numbers from 9-5 on a daily basis especially when it is so detail orientated. And I think, for me, I need to do something where I feel that it contributes to something...something that is important to humanity or at least to the general wellbeing of society. I need to feel accomplished and receive some sort of recognition about the contribution that I am making other than monetary reward (which I think accountants get a lot of). Accountants are important people no doubt but not in the sense where they are making tangible improvements to people's lives. Accounting is absolutely not the job for me.

Sick Cat

Good thing UBC only haunts me on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester because I have become a 病貓 today: my entire skull is itching (this is the best way I can think of to describe the sensation), my throat is as dry as the Sahara even though I've been drowning it with all sorts of liquids and limbs are sore-er than a first-time-snowboarder's butt (I will find out how sore that exactly feels this coming Friday!!!).