Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Bitter Rant (?)

i've always been incapable of expressing extreme emotions, particularly sadness, rage or disappointment. I had previously tried to express them through comprehensible words and sentences (written or verbal) but always somehow manage to descend into a mad rant or unintelligible rambling of some sort. For someone who, (no fake Chinese humility here) has a bit of talent in writing academic papers, I can't write something that truly expresses my feelings even if my life depended on it. The true question is, perhaps, what's the point of knowing how to read and write when one can't even express one's own feelings?

I am so sad that I do not think I experience such sadness frequently. But at the same time, Jesus is reminding me right now that my sadness is not even a faction of what He's feeling right now. It is because He was the one who died on that cross for His church, not me. It was because the church represents Him on this earth until He returns and yet we always manage to make a mess out of it, through our own selfish ambitions, our self-righteous acts, our sinful nature, our vulnerability to Satan, our poor decisions and, ultimately, our distance from the true Head of the Church.

Yet, God allows all things to happen for a reason. He doesn't make us go through things for vain nor does He allow bad things to happen because He takes pleasure in them. And it is at times like these that all the teaching that i've collected for the past twenty years come into play: to maintain my faith in God and not in the church, to continue to praise God despite the lack of olives and grapes and cows and lambs or whatever else that might be missing, to see beyond this and pray for healing, reconciliation and God's will to be done.

I actually thought this was going to be a bitter, negative rant when I started typing those first few words. But once again, God has managed to turn my tears into something positive. In a matter of five minutes and less than four paragraphs.

1 comment:

Westsis said...

As I am reading the post, I am speechless Kathy as it reminds me of what happened few years ago. Deeply sorrowed & wounded, yet can't express my feeling in a proper words to someone who, has a bit of talent in writing academic papers. God's watching what happened, He will do something big, maybe not NOW, THIS MOMENT. But at least He's wiping your tears, bring positives to you while typing during those five minutes... For me, honestly, somehow the wound is occasionally breeding and temporarily bandaged.

Keep your faith in Him, not His people, as we are just sinners saved by grace.