21嵗

i used to get really excited about my birthday: dinners, gifts,　利是, friends, cakes. But to be honest, in recent years (perhaps the past 2 or 3 years?) i would get really upset about my birthday. Of course, I still enjoy the presents and the company, it's just that when i really sit down and think about it, I am not all too excited.

Birthdays sometime seem to serve as a reminder to me of the fact that I'm 'aging': that time is slowly slipping away and that I haven't done a lot of things that I think are worthwhile, that I have wasted a lot of time committed to things that don't really mean a lot in the long run, and that I am not where I want to be. Maybe I am paranoid, but time is so important to me. After all, this is suppose to be the prime, the time where everything happens and new experiences are everywhere and yet, in the past few birthdays, i have always felt that i've missed out on some things that are meant to be mine by now and all the while doing a whole bunch of things on the side that probably won't mean much ten years down the road. I've felt mediocre at best and I hated that word.

But this year, I feel differently. Maybe because in the past year (while I was 20 years old), I have finally done some things that I'm really pleased with and proud of myself for accomplishing: going to China, living independently for 6 months, traveling solo, meeting new people that are from different cultures, working a 9-5 job at a law firm (albeit only an internship but still, i finally got to fulfill my childhood fantasy of working at 中環), really finding out who I am. Of course, I am not completely satisfied yet (I have yet to join a full-scale musical production) but I know I am getting there somehow.

And this birthday, this 21st year of my life, I am challenging myself to make this year even better than my 20th. I know that as May rolls around and I graduate, nothing will look like what it had looked for the past four years or even for the past 17 years that I've been in school. Next year, as I sit here and write my blog to celebrate my 22nd birthday, I would not be anticipating my final grades like I am now. Maybe I will be working a 9-5 job. Maybe I will be filling out grad school applications. Maybe I will not be in Vancouver. Maybe I will be unemployed. Who knows. But if anything, this 20th year of my life has taught me that I should not be afraid of the unexpected, that i should be ready to make life more exciting.

Next year has to be as rewarding as this. Cheers to being 21.