It's been a while

Hello Blogger,

It's been a well since we've connected. How are you? 

The last time we spoke, I was 21 going onto 22. Now I'm 23, almost 24. 

The last time we spoke, I finished my 4 years of post-secondary education, wrote my LSAT, was hoping to get into law school, thought Fairchild would be a 3-months thing and knew I was going to China soon. Now I am thinking of writing yet another LSAT after a 2 year hiatus, think maybe not all is lost with law school just yet, am still at Fairchild (making the same wage I might add) and hoping I can go to China again soon.

The last time we spoke, I am pretty sure I weighed under 130lb. Now I'm pretty sure I'm over.

The last time we spoke, I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself or in the people around me. Now I have even less confidence in myself, in some people that I used to have a world of confidence in, but more confidence in the people that I used to have less confidence in.

How have you been? I missed you.

my birthday wish

I wish that all my fears would be gone:

my fear of failing,
my fear of underachieving,
my fear of passivity,
my fear of mediocrity,
my fear that my fears will come true,
my fear of not getting into law school,
my fear of wasting time,
my fear of wasting my youth,
my fear of fear itself,
my fear of living a passionless life,
my fear of a life without purpose,
my fear of loneliness,
my fear of not getting a great career,
my fear of not going anywhere,
my fear of being stuck,
my fear of being content,
my fear of boredom,
my fear of falling into a routine,
my fear of fear.

I'm back with a prayer challenge

After a prolonged absence (mostly because I didn't really have much to say and got lazy), I'm officially back.

My daily routine now is that of a (as I call it) multi-part-timer. So everyday I wake up around 7:20 and head to the appropriate work place as needed and get home around 7ish. Then I have dinner, watch No Regrets, make cards/cross-stitch as required, tutor if necessary and study lsat (because, unfortunately, I'm retaking it in December at Everett since all the Vancouver spots are filled up).

Recently, I've been thinking about the things I pray about. Usually I start of with "Thank God today for _____________" and then I list some stuff that happened today that I'm thankful for. Then I go on into a long list of needs (recently it's been better LSAT scores (preferably 165), getting along with coworkers at new jobs, ability to save money, divine inspiration for upcoming music-related what-nots, church, motivation to read more and love people around me, etc).

But last week I some how came across the idea of trying to pray just praises to God. So I'm going to try that for a week starting today.

And already the first problem I can see is to differentiate between thanksgiving and praises.

i hate waiting

two very important things that i'm waiting for:

1. Someone to finally email me and say "Miss Wong: Thank you for your interest in our firm. We are interested in meeting with you to further discuss your opportunities with us..."

2. Oct 9th so that I can finally write my LSAT and either give up on law school completely or know that I would at least be secure for the next 4 years with something to do

3. The next opportunity to travel

the frog inside that teeny tiny well finally dares to take a glimpse of the outside world through a tiny crack

The audition, in my opinion, did not go too well (the orange remedy last night didn't totally recover my voice). My voice was totally not in condition at all and, honestly, even if it were, I was no where near the caliber that he was expecting. And maybe it was my nerves, I couldn't even sing a perfect-fifth during sight reading...even after 3 tries!

Anyways, it was a good experience (a good glimpse at what other people out there do) and how i am still a frog in a well.

On a more positive note, 米奇老鼠 bought me EASON'S DUO concert CD/DVD from HK: audio goodness is drifting around my room right now.

原來我好弱

Somewhere between "a long time ago" and "now", I have become a little weakling in my own right. I used to never get sick (or at most, twice a year) but in the recent years I've been getting sick more and more often and it's cutting into my ability to function properly (at least a handful of times each year).

The last time I was sick was June of this year (right before my vacation and i was so worried that they wouldn't let me on the plane!). I am already sick again...in just two months! What happened to the stuff they teach you in Biology 12 that you become immune to certain germs once you've had them? Did that germ evolve so fast that I am vulnerable to it again in just two months?! What the hell is going on?! Is the information in Biology 12 textbooks from just 5 years ago no longer valid?!

So now, I still have to work tomorrow because no one else can work for me and I'll still having to audition on Tuesday even though I probably can't sing higher than a C (and by that, I meant middle C).

This is BS! I have all the signs of a healthy lifestyle: I don't even drink pop or eat fast food often, I get enough servings of veggies regularly enough, i try to have a piece of fruit each day, I am not obese or underweight, I don't go on random diets or eating binges (not so certain about the latter actually), I walked for a few hours twice each week (aka my gourmet shifts), I don't sleep with my make up on, I don't drink excessively or smoke or take drugs or engage in self-destructing behaviour. SO WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Lessons from Michael Buble

Last night, after seeing Michael Buble at GM Place (aka Rogers Arena now), I wiki-ed him when I got home. According to Wikipedia, when Buble was a teenager, he'd sleep on his Bible and pray really hard that he could become a singer.

In my memory, there was a handful of times in my life so far where I've felt like I really want something and that I cannot imagine my life if I were to fail to get or achieve it. It's as if day in day out my thoughts would just go back to this one thing that I'm trying to achieve and that every other priority, responsibility or possibility just pales compared to this one big glowing "destiny" that I'm striving to fulfill.

Sometimes, I'd be pushing full-force ahead: I would be really confident that I can achieve this "Manifest Destiny" like there's no other way that things could possibly unfold and that this is what's "meant to be". I'd be confident enough to go and tell others that "ya, that's what's gonna happen to me in ____ amount of time". I'd be confident enough to take every step that I need to take in such a way that I don't treat them as hurdles in my path to success but rather as just steps (like how one most boil water and open the package of instant noodles before one can cook instant noodles to eat - the act of boiling water and opening the package are just steps, not hurdles).

Other times, I just want to sleep through all of it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I must do what I must. I'd be convinced that there's no way I can do it but maybe luck can bring me through. I'd regret ever telling people that I'm trying to achieve this because I'll be so afraid of having eventually to admit that I've failed in front of these people. Or having to face myself for my failures.

Well, at least things worked out for Buble.

A Time to Do My Best

On my graduation day back in May, I've decided that if God ever gave me a second chance and let me go back to school next year or what not, I'll give it my 100%. I will no longer procrastinate. I will no longer trust in luck or my ability to bullshit. I will no longer assume that everything will turn out fine in the end. I will work hard and not take things for granted. I will give it my all because I want to be able to say that I am proud of what I've accomplished and that I have ran a good race.

But, as I research through potential law schools, I think I've come to the realization that God wants me to adopt this attitude now because without this attitude and such work habits, I might not be able to go back to school next year =(

the beginning of nothing

tomorrow I am going to get a piece of paper that marks the beginning of nothing. good job.

what the hell is wrong with me?

Idiot

i'm an idiot. my graduation date is Thursday the 27th not Wednesday the 26th. See? this shows exactly how much I care about that piece of paper.

A (temporary) Farewell

I've been in school since the age of 2 and today, after 19 years, I will no longer be going to school anymore (except for my two finals and to hand in my paper next week but that's not important).

I will no longer get to experience the excitement of first days back to school in September, or be completely blown away by something the prof/teacher just said in lecture (yes, sometimes those do happen). I will no longer have a legitimate excuse to stay up on a computer all night in the name of 'finishing a paper' or bring home a dozen library books in my backpack (and, if necessary, whatever plastic bag I can find). I won't ever get a piece of assignment or paper back and think: wow I totally lucked out with this one or be extremely upset because I thought I did better. And so much more.

The really peculiar thing is, I know I've grown in the last 19 years (of course) but now that I'm supposed to be all prepped up and ready to face the real world, I don't feel that ready at all.

Example: I went into UBC almost 4 years ago armed with an IB diploma (I thought that meant I was a genius), feeling oh-so-confident, ready to take on anything and anyone. I thought i was going to graduate with a BComm (because that was just the most useful thing to graduate with) and basically be set for the next 40 years of my life. I honestly thought that University was probably the last hurdle of my life and once it's done and I have that piece of paper with my name printed on it, employers will come flying at me and I will miraculously end up with a job that pays well, is stressless and live like I'll never have to work hard again.

4 years later, I am graduating with a BA in International Relations (no obvious job connection there), feeling like I spent the past 4 years scratching the surface of something that is oh, so much more vast than I can possibly imagine and realizing that University isn't the last hurdle of my life at all. There are no jobs flying at me and in fact, for (arguably) the first time in my life, I have no idea what's going to happen to me in half a year's time (would've been next month if it wasn't for my vacation and LSAT).

But yes, I did gain something and just might have managed to learn something about myself too.

I've learned in the past 4 years, that I am not really that practical afterall. If I were, I would've stayed with a BComm. I've also learned that I'm seriously really interested in China. I knew I liked learning about China in high school but once here, I realized that I don't ever want to stop learning about this place or experiencing it in various ways. I'm also not as confident in my ability as I thought I was and that I do like to crowd myself with doubts. I've learned that there is nothing that can be gained or earned in this world that can guarantee a safe, happy, stressless future (no, not even a BComm my friends). I've learned that I am a person driven by my interests and not by a need to do well in everything (i.e. I do well in courses that I am really interested in but if I am in a course I detest, I cannot convince myself to put my mind into it). I've also learned that there is no way you can finish learning. More recently, I've learned that, if given a choice, I'd much rather spend my life learning and staying in school.

So long, my formal education. Till we meet again. I hope this isn't the end of our bitter-sweet relationship.

CBK

For the past few days, I've been busily working on my Unabomber essay, waking up extra early and all that, only to find out today that the professor has postponed the paper for two weeks. I'm relieved but at the same time somewhat ticked off because I've been working so hard on it and have been looking forward to handing it in on Thursday.

I wish I can say that I will effectively use these two weeks to improve and polish it better but I honestly doubt that will happen. I really wished that I was someone who really puts it more effort and drives for perfection, instead of someone who just put the minimum amount of effort in and just aims to get the work finish. I have to say that my 'minimum amount of effort' probably gets me further than most people's 'minimum amount of effort' but I just know that if i really tried, i can really do that much better and would've probably reached most of my goals by now (instead of just forgetting about them or changing my mind about them). I don't know why I have such a hard time motivating myself to really get off my ass and really do really well in something instead of being satisfactory in everything. And whenever I do actually manage to get off my ass (oh, a once in a blue moon kinda thing), I just sit back down and lose drive just as quickly.

I'm not just talking about academics or school but also in my relationship with God, my relationship with people, my fitness plan, my savings, my relationship with my family, my worship leading, my fellowship vice-chairperson being, my singing, my devotional life, my character building. Everything.

And this is the worse part, the part that I most loath in myself: my sitting here whining about this and then tomorrow I will wake up and everything will still be the same. I will still pick songs for Sunday's worship without spending enough time praying. I will still go to fellowship and just count the offering, take attendance and that's it for my vice-chairman tasks. I will still talk back to my mom or ignore my dad. I will still aim to finish a 15-page paper instead of aiming to finish a perfect 15-page paper. I will still not read the Bible for days at end. I will still doubt things that people say and not take them for face-value. I will still spend more money than I really should. I will still sleep in instead of going to the gym. I will still not trust the people that I really should trust by now.

I need to be a CBK: a 'cycle-breaking Kathy'.

But today, yes at least today, I felt truly disgusted with myself and was honest about it. So sue me.

自我檢討

有時候, 我覺得我很需要一個敢閙我, 一個敢毫不客氣跟我説話的人. 我懶惰的時候會踢我, 我"克人爭"的時候又會跟我說, 做錯又會毫不偶爾指出我的錯誤. 但是, 我大部分時間都是一個滿恐怖的人, 又不容易接受批評, 反而會覺得夠膽對我誠實的人對我有敵意. 説到底, 我都是覺得自己是一個很小氣的人, 不喜歡給別人"話", 又惡又大聲, 搞到無人敢跟我說這些事. 真是要好好自己檢討一下...

Just a weird funny thought: recently, I realized that as much as I love and adore Vancouver, I feel like I belong in China.

Laziness, beef, pork and "voice-capability crises"...

i don't know what's wrong with me.

Lots of times in my everyday life, things would happen to me or I would see something or a thought would come up in my mind and I'll go "hey! I should record that down in my blog tonight" but when I go home I just forget about it or (worse yet) remember it but just be too lazy to type it out here. The result is that 1. I forget most of what happens to me and 2. This blog is stranded for weeks at times.

Anyways...

I've managed to gone one full week (minus Sunday) without pork or beef to celebrate Lent. Frankly, I am quite proud of myself because it is a very difficult feat for a foodie like me (esp. tonight when my mom made my all time favourite 鹹蛋豬肉) but I've managed thus far. I do get really hungry at night since some meals I just eat vegetables and rice but other than that, I've been okay. Just a bit more over a month to go...

Another thing that's been bugging me for the past week is my singing. As a general rule, I try to avoid listening any recordings of my own singing (unless I'm part of a choir in which case I won't be able to hear my own voice) because, honestly, I hate my singing and if i can avoid listening to it I won't suffer from an voice-capability crisis like I am right now. Really I am not even exaggerating or being cocky. On Sunday as I sat there and listened to my own voice I can barely kept a straight face because it was like torture. I simply cannot stand it and I felt sorry for everyone else in the room who has to endure 3 minutes of this (for lack of a better word) crap. And I am quite convinced that it was not the song (actually the song itself was great) because this is not the first time I've heard my sing and thought to myself "Wow 3 years of training and so much money for this bs?" (not that my teachers were, in any way, bs because they are awesome singers)

Which begs the question, are you actually good at something if you yourself don't think that you are?

A Bitter Rant (?)

i've always been incapable of expressing extreme emotions, particularly sadness, rage or disappointment. I had previously tried to express them through comprehensible words and sentences (written or verbal) but always somehow manage to descend into a mad rant or unintelligible rambling of some sort. For someone who, (no fake Chinese humility here) has a bit of talent in writing academic papers, I can't write something that truly expresses my feelings even if my life depended on it. The true question is, perhaps, what's the point of knowing how to read and write when one can't even express one's own feelings?

I am so sad that I do not think I experience such sadness frequently. But at the same time, Jesus is reminding me right now that my sadness is not even a faction of what He's feeling right now. It is because He was the one who died on that cross for His church, not me. It was because the church represents Him on this earth until He returns and yet we always manage to make a mess out of it, through our own selfish ambitions, our self-righteous acts, our sinful nature, our vulnerability to Satan, our poor decisions and, ultimately, our distance from the true Head of the Church.

Yet, God allows all things to happen for a reason. He doesn't make us go through things for vain nor does He allow bad things to happen because He takes pleasure in them. And it is at times like these that all the teaching that i've collected for the past twenty years come into play: to maintain my faith in God and not in the church, to continue to praise God despite the lack of olives and grapes and cows and lambs or whatever else that might be missing, to see beyond this and pray for healing, reconciliation and God's will to be done.

I actually thought this was going to be a bitter, negative rant when I started typing those first few words. But once again, God has managed to turn my tears into something positive. In a matter of five minutes and less than four paragraphs.

Much needed: slashings on a lazy student

I don't know what's gone into me. Lately, I've been feeling a lack of motivation, so much that I don't even care how good my work is or whether I will get good marks as long as I get it done. Why is this happening now? I'm in my 4th year: arguably the most important year of my undergrad career, and possibly the deciding factor for my future path. Why am i slacking off? This is almost unheard of for Kathy Wong (emphasis: almost). Sure, I've slacked before but for one month straight? What's going on?!?!? At the rate I'm going, I'd be lucky to not get a significant drop in my gpa, nevermind applying for graduate school.

Does anyone know how to whip a lazy student back into shape?

Thank you, Jesus

Thank you Jesus, because You've reminded that it is through trials that I can see more of You.
Thank you Jesus, because through what is going on, You've allowed me to grow stronger in You.
Thank you Jesus, because You have told me that I am blessed when I am at the end of my rope: with less of me there is more of You and Your rule
Thank you Jesus, because You have given me enough wisdom to be able to tell what I should and should not do.
Thank you Jesus, because You haven't given me too much wisdom so that I only rely on myself and not on You.
Thank you Jesus, because You have prepared me to handle this.
Thank you Jesus, because You have surrounded me with people that support and help me handle this.
Thank you Jesus, because You have reminded me also to not place my trust in people, or leaders, or institutions but in You and only You.
Thank you Jesus, because I know that through this we can be more unified.
Thank you Jesus, because You won't let us fight this battle alone.
Thank you Jesus, because You have given me hope.
Thank you Jesus, because You remind me that, in the end, this is all about You.
Thank you Jesus, because no matter how heartbreaking this gets, You will never forsake me.
Thank you Jesus, because no matter how disappointing this gets, You never disappoint.
Thank you Jesus, because no matter how hopeless this looks, Your ways are still far greater than ours.
Thank you Jesus, because no matter how much harder this gets, Your grace is still sufficient.
Thank you Jesus, because on the cross I saw love and sorrow mingled down.
Thank you Jesus, because through that hymn today, I realized that in the midst of sorrow, there can still be love.
Thank you Jesus, because through what has happened, I have developed a greater thirst for You.
Thank you Jesus, because through this, You have forced me to seriously contemplate why I choose to serve.
Thank you Jesus, because You have taught me that serving is not always easy.
Thank you Jesus, because I see people around me that are going through the same sorrow and yet they still love.
Thank you Jesus, because You've reassured me that You will be in charge of tomorrow.
Thank you Jesus, because You're in charge of today, right now.
Thank you Jesus, because this is a valuable lesson that I must learn.
Thank you Jesus, because You've forgiven my sins.
Thank you Jesus, because You understand how I feel.
Thank you Jesus, because You care.
Thank you Jesus, because it is You who give me the strength to still wake up every Sunday morning at 7am.
Thank you Jesus, because You haven't allowed me to be numbed by all the words and emails of the past two months.
Thank you Jesus, because I see more clearly than ever because of this.
Thank you Jesus, because You look into our hearts, not our actions.
Thank you Jesus, because in my deepest sorrow, You still comfort.
Thank you Jesus, because You've called Your own servants to lead and mediate during this difficult time.
Thank you Jesus, because You have reassured me that You're still working through PMPGMBC.
Thank you Jesus, because in Your word, I know that if we are willing to turn back to You, You will listen and take us back.
Thank you Jesus, because all this is not for nothing.

The Despairs of a Graduating BA Student

Career and Grad School Day - another scheme organized by UBC to make me feel infinitely stupid, inadequate and hopeless about my already murky future. Among the booths of insurance companies, firms from the financial sector (they're still hiring?), marketing firms, and even college pro-painters, I only found a few booths that fit the following criteria: 1. something i am remotely interested in, 2. something that i might remotely have a chance of getting into and 3. a booth staffed by people that look like they'll be interested in talking to an inexperienced, mediocre,　goal-less, BA student like me. (The depth of my desperation can be seen as I seriously start to look over the "Canadian Forces" pamphlet that I got).

And don't even mention grad school. 3.87 GPA to get into UVic Law? >160 on LSAT?

I should start talking to Kwun (my manager) to see if he wants to hire me as a full time at Gourmet soon.

分生

Sometimes I go to something that is meant to spiritually revive me and end up with nothing. Is there something wrong with that?

Currently listening: 分生 - 張惠妹

LSAT

yayaya 又到了每一天的高潮位 - 5:30 放工！ (well haha, almost...)

今天還可以，做了filing, 打字 and had left over time to tackle my 1.5 inch thick LSAT prep book.

原來我比我想象中蠢。 So the LSAT has 4 different types of sections: logic reasoning, logic games, reading comprehension and a writing part. Today I tried the logic reasoning and the logic games and ended up with 16/25 and 9/24 respectively. I always thought I wouldn't do too horribly with LSAT...afterall, I never thought that I particularly lacked common sense. I knew that I wasn't good with logic games (I hate and suck at sequences, probability, and math in general) but didn't think I would suck THAT much. The worst thing is, I never actually believed in studying for these things. I am always under this idea that either you have it, or you don't. Hopefully I am wrong because I obviously do not have what it takes to get a good score on the LSAT without studying =\ Come to think of it, I haven't even decided when I want to take the LSAT. Maybe I'll just take it to see where I am at and then decide from there.

I have a new mosquito bite on my arm and its driving me crazy.