Heroes

There are some benefits to working at Fairchild. 

For example, I get 15% off at St. Germaine Bakery (30% for mooncakes). If I don't fancy a St. Germaine mooncake, because you know, life (and mid-autumn festival) is too short to eat stunted traditional mooncakes and non-inspiring icey mooncakes, I also get 30% off for De Fresh mooncakes and Pine House mooncakes.

I also get 20% off (30% if I play my cards right) at Chic Label - my new favourite boutique. 

I work next to a food court that serves 雞蛋仔

Anyways, you get the idea.

I was going to say, that one of my favourite benefits of working at Fairchild is that I get to do the Arts and Culture Segment. Occasionally I get horrific stories that my boss makes me cover (honestly, does anyone care that the 東莞同鄉會 is staging a talent show to showcase its children's choir, painted on rosy cheeks and all?), it's usually stuff that I love and am interested in seeing. Last month, I got to visit the UBC Anthropology museum and spent 2 hours looking at Buddhist art. And if I really like the stuff, I actually get to ask for free tickets.

So tonight's one of those nights where 鄭少 and I took advantage of this benefit and saw Heroes, an engaging play for "three older gents" (as they call themselves). More than a century's worth of acting expertise congregating on a stage, held together by an engaging and hilarious story is a great way of spending the evening. And although the story was about three WWI veterans in the 1950s stuck in a soldier's home, I can't help but resonate with some of the things that they were saying and identify with the feeling of being stuck.

No one likes to be stuck. But if Henri could, in the end, see the poplar trees, I'm sure I could some day too.

Now listening: Porcelain - at17 (Yes, my music selection is the same after all these years). 

It's been a while

Hello Blogger,

It's been a well since we've connected. How are you? 

The last time we spoke, I was 21 going onto 22. Now I'm 23, almost 24. 

The last time we spoke, I finished my 4 years of post-secondary education, wrote my LSAT, was hoping to get into law school, thought Fairchild would be a 3-months thing and knew I was going to China soon. Now I am thinking of writing yet another LSAT after a 2 year hiatus, think maybe not all is lost with law school just yet, am still at Fairchild (making the same wage I might add) and hoping I can go to China again soon.

The last time we spoke, I am pretty sure I weighed under 130lb. Now I'm pretty sure I'm over.

The last time we spoke, I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself or in the people around me. Now I have even less confidence in myself, in some people that I used to have a world of confidence in, but more confidence in the people that I used to have less confidence in.

How have you been? I missed you.

my birthday wish

I wish that all my fears would be gone:

my fear of failing,
my fear of underachieving,
my fear of passivity,
my fear of mediocrity,
my fear that my fears will come true,
my fear of not getting into law school,
my fear of wasting time,
my fear of wasting my youth,
my fear of fear itself,
my fear of living a passionless life,
my fear of a life without purpose,
my fear of loneliness,
my fear of not getting a great career,
my fear of not going anywhere,
my fear of being stuck,
my fear of being content,
my fear of boredom,
my fear of falling into a routine,
my fear of fear.

Pale Blue Dot

I found this on (where else?) Wikipedia today with the accompanying description:

"Pale Blue Dot" is the name given to this 1990 photo of Earth taken from Voyager 1 when its vantage point reached the edge of the Solar System, a distance of roughly 3.7 billion miles (6 billion kilometres). Earth can be seen as a blueish-white speck approximately halfway down the brown band to the right. The light band over Earth is an artifact of sunlight scattering in the camera's lens, resulting from the small angle between Earth and the Sun. Carl Sagan came up with the idea of turning the spacecraft around to take a composite image of the Solar System. Six years later, he reflected, "All of human history has happened on that tiny pixel, which is our only home."

So when you think about this - the fact that "all of human history has happened on that tiny pixel, which is our only home", this insignificant pixel in the whole of things - why do we still bother with wars and conflicts? I mean, natural disasters cause human suffering and death, ok, we can't avoid those, but the results of wars are man-made suffering and death of our fellow human beings.

Lest we forget.

I'm back with a prayer challenge

After a prolonged absence (mostly because I didn't really have much to say and got lazy), I'm officially back.

My daily routine now is that of a (as I call it) multi-part-timer. So everyday I wake up around 7:20 and head to the appropriate work place as needed and get home around 7ish. Then I have dinner, watch No Regrets, make cards/cross-stitch as required, tutor if necessary and study lsat (because, unfortunately, I'm retaking it in December at Everett since all the Vancouver spots are filled up).

Recently, I've been thinking about the things I pray about. Usually I start of with "Thank God today for _____________" and then I list some stuff that happened today that I'm thankful for. Then I go on into a long list of needs (recently it's been better LSAT scores (preferably 165), getting along with coworkers at new jobs, ability to save money, divine inspiration for upcoming music-related what-nots, church, motivation to read more and love people around me, etc).

But last week I some how came across the idea of trying to pray just praises to God. So I'm going to try that for a week starting today.

And already the first problem I can see is to differentiate between thanksgiving and praises.

Enneagram

Couple years ago, I did one of those online Enneagram tests (the ones that tell you what kind of person you are out of 9 pre-determined personality types). I am pretty certain that I was a hardcore Type 8 ("The Leader: The powerful, aggressive type.").

I did test again just now and somehow, I have changed into someone else: split-even between Type 1 (The Reformer: The rational, idealistic) and Type 7 (The Generalist: The enthusiastic, productive type.)

Either way, I still scored the lowest in Type 2 (The Helper: The caring, nurturing type.) and Type 9 (The Peacemaker: The easygoing, accommodating type).

Eh. guess I'm still the same.

the frog inside that teeny tiny well finally dares to take a glimpse of the outside world through a tiny crack

The audition, in my opinion, did not go too well (the orange remedy last night didn't totally recover my voice). My voice was totally not in condition at all and, honestly, even if it were, I was no where near the caliber that he was expecting. And maybe it was my nerves, I couldn't even sing a perfect-fifth during sight reading...even after 3 tries!

Anyways, it was a good experience (a good glimpse at what other people out there do) and how i am still a frog in a well.

On a more positive note, 米奇老鼠 bought me EASON'S DUO concert CD/DVD from HK: audio goodness is drifting around my room right now.

原來我好弱

Somewhere between "a long time ago" and "now", I have become a little weakling in my own right. I used to never get sick (or at most, twice a year) but in the recent years I've been getting sick more and more often and it's cutting into my ability to function properly (at least a handful of times each year).

The last time I was sick was June of this year (right before my vacation and i was so worried that they wouldn't let me on the plane!). I am already sick again...in just two months! What happened to the stuff they teach you in Biology 12 that you become immune to certain germs once you've had them? Did that germ evolve so fast that I am vulnerable to it again in just two months?! What the hell is going on?! Is the information in Biology 12 textbooks from just 5 years ago no longer valid?!

So now, I still have to work tomorrow because no one else can work for me and I'll still having to audition on Tuesday even though I probably can't sing higher than a C (and by that, I meant middle C).

This is BS! I have all the signs of a healthy lifestyle: I don't even drink pop or eat fast food often, I get enough servings of veggies regularly enough, i try to have a piece of fruit each day, I am not obese or underweight, I don't go on random diets or eating binges (not so certain about the latter actually), I walked for a few hours twice each week (aka my gourmet shifts), I don't sleep with my make up on, I don't drink excessively or smoke or take drugs or engage in self-destructing behaviour. SO WHAT'S GOING ON!?

Lessons from Michael Buble

Last night, after seeing Michael Buble at GM Place (aka Rogers Arena now), I wiki-ed him when I got home. According to Wikipedia, when Buble was a teenager, he'd sleep on his Bible and pray really hard that he could become a singer.

In my memory, there was a handful of times in my life so far where I've felt like I really want something and that I cannot imagine my life if I were to fail to get or achieve it. It's as if day in day out my thoughts would just go back to this one thing that I'm trying to achieve and that every other priority, responsibility or possibility just pales compared to this one big glowing "destiny" that I'm striving to fulfill.

Sometimes, I'd be pushing full-force ahead: I would be really confident that I can achieve this "Manifest Destiny" like there's no other way that things could possibly unfold and that this is what's "meant to be". I'd be confident enough to go and tell others that "ya, that's what's gonna happen to me in ____ amount of time". I'd be confident enough to take every step that I need to take in such a way that I don't treat them as hurdles in my path to success but rather as just steps (like how one most boil water and open the package of instant noodles before one can cook instant noodles to eat - the act of boiling water and opening the package are just steps, not hurdles).

Other times, I just want to sleep through all of it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I must do what I must. I'd be convinced that there's no way I can do it but maybe luck can bring me through. I'd regret ever telling people that I'm trying to achieve this because I'll be so afraid of having eventually to admit that I've failed in front of these people. Or having to face myself for my failures.

Well, at least things worked out for Buble.

Death, Motivation

Recently, I've been thinking that a key factor of maturity (or at least, adulthood), is one's ability to handle death. My encounters with death are few and sparse - my grandfather when I was in grade 9 (by then I wasn't that close to him so I wasn't that upset but I actually felt bad because I was suppose to feel sad) and Dude (last year and I was really upset for a week). I think I still don't know what death really is or is like.

On a more positive thought, I've been extremely motivated ever since I came back from my month long vacation. So far, I've worked out 2 days out of 3 and studied 3 days out of 3. Instead of playing Sims, I've begun reading books that I've bought but never gotten around to reading. I've also cleaned my room and sent out 3 job applications.

Now if only someone would reply my job applications...

BA

Some tangible differences in being a graduate:

1. I now have TWO grad hats that don't fit me at home: the blue one from PMSS, the black one from UBC.
2. I now have TWO graduation pins: the blue, round IB one from PMSS and a UBC alumni one from today.
3. When I get a name card in the future, I would be Kathy Wong BA
4. I am no longer eligible for student rates at the gym, aquarium, etc.
5. I don't have a Upass.

Some intangible differences in being a graduate:

1. I can now officially pretend that I know a lot about International Relations (my major) and History (my minor).
2. I don't know what to refer to myself now since I can't say "student" anymore (I guess the closest term would be 'unemployed')
3. Midterms, finals, quizzes, and GPAs don't apply to me anymore (unless I decide to apply to grad school)


Oh, but one thing that is worth taking note is that I found out today (while reading through my UBC alumni handbook) that as an alumni, I have lifelong access to UBC's libraries. SOO AWESOME!

the beginning of nothing

tomorrow I am going to get a piece of paper that marks the beginning of nothing. good job.

what the hell is wrong with me?

PMPG 15th Anniversary

For most people, there are identities that we don't realize until it suddenly hits you.

Today, I realized that I've basically grown up with PMPGMBC. I've been with this church since it first started in 1995 (although I honestly can't remember). I've "experienced" leadership of all the previous lead pastors (although I actually didn't know them personally nor was I on talking terms with them since I was basically a kid until the latter half of Rev. Cheung's time here). I recognize the faces of all the people that have once served in this church. I remember certain events that a lot of people in our church today probably don't know about. I remember being in Pioneer Clubs and Una 姐姐. I remember when Cindy Luu was a Sunday School Teacher, and not yet a missionary. I remember when children's worship (from grade 1-6) was in room in the church basement. I remember the 7th Anniversary celebration at Radisson (now a casino hotel) and how it was the first time we met Rollie. I remember when the room with two doors in the church basement were two separate rooms. I remember that the sanctuary used to have a huge massive wooden cross in the middle of the front wall and how I thought that was so cool.

So today, as the church celebrated its 15th anniversary (and I can finally relax after all the planning and organizing), I finally realized that I am a PG, just as much as I am a Chinese, or a Wong, or a girl, or a UBC graduate, or a black belt. And PG, for the past 15 years of my life, has been my family. And all 500+ people who come to church on Sunday with me, are my family members, not in the sense where the words "brothers and sisters" just seems like a friendlier way to address "fellow Christians", but in the sense that they are my family because I, for the past 15 years, have grown up with them.

團訓

Every Friday night, Joshua fellowship goes through the usual "ritual" (please allow me to use this word because I don't know what other word to use) of reciting our theme verse:

這 律 法 書 不 可 離 開 你 的 口 ， 總 要 晝 夜 思 想 ， 好 使 你 謹 守 遵 行 這 書 上 所 寫 的 一 切 話 。 如 此 ， 你 的 道 路 就 可 以 亨 通 ， 凡 事 順 利 。
我 豈 沒 有 吩 咐 你 麼 ？ 你 當 剛 強 壯 膽 ！ 不 要 懼 怕 ， 也 不 要 驚 惶 ； 因 為 你 無 論 往 那 裡 去 ， 耶 和 華 ─ 你 的 　 神 必 與 你 同 在 。

And even though I've been reciting this verse once a week for almost 2 years, sometimes I don't give much thought to what I am saying (tends to be the case for a lot of church-related stuff eh? songs, verses, creeds...). Until last night, I was doing my devotions and reading from The Message when I came across it in...ENGLISH!

And don't for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed. Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.

And having finally finished reading the first five books of the Bible (i've actually never done that...I always get stuck halfway through Exodus), this verse suddenly makes a lot more sense in terms of its context and the amount of "meat" that it has. And having finally digested it instead of just licking the surface of it once a week, I think I finally understand why someone decided to pick this verse to be our theme verse.

A (temporary) Farewell

I've been in school since the age of 2 and today, after 19 years, I will no longer be going to school anymore (except for my two finals and to hand in my paper next week but that's not important).

I will no longer get to experience the excitement of first days back to school in September, or be completely blown away by something the prof/teacher just said in lecture (yes, sometimes those do happen). I will no longer have a legitimate excuse to stay up on a computer all night in the name of 'finishing a paper' or bring home a dozen library books in my backpack (and, if necessary, whatever plastic bag I can find). I won't ever get a piece of assignment or paper back and think: wow I totally lucked out with this one or be extremely upset because I thought I did better. And so much more.

The really peculiar thing is, I know I've grown in the last 19 years (of course) but now that I'm supposed to be all prepped up and ready to face the real world, I don't feel that ready at all.

Example: I went into UBC almost 4 years ago armed with an IB diploma (I thought that meant I was a genius), feeling oh-so-confident, ready to take on anything and anyone. I thought i was going to graduate with a BComm (because that was just the most useful thing to graduate with) and basically be set for the next 40 years of my life. I honestly thought that University was probably the last hurdle of my life and once it's done and I have that piece of paper with my name printed on it, employers will come flying at me and I will miraculously end up with a job that pays well, is stressless and live like I'll never have to work hard again.

4 years later, I am graduating with a BA in International Relations (no obvious job connection there), feeling like I spent the past 4 years scratching the surface of something that is oh, so much more vast than I can possibly imagine and realizing that University isn't the last hurdle of my life at all. There are no jobs flying at me and in fact, for (arguably) the first time in my life, I have no idea what's going to happen to me in half a year's time (would've been next month if it wasn't for my vacation and LSAT).

But yes, I did gain something and just might have managed to learn something about myself too.

I've learned in the past 4 years, that I am not really that practical afterall. If I were, I would've stayed with a BComm. I've also learned that I'm seriously really interested in China. I knew I liked learning about China in high school but once here, I realized that I don't ever want to stop learning about this place or experiencing it in various ways. I'm also not as confident in my ability as I thought I was and that I do like to crowd myself with doubts. I've learned that there is nothing that can be gained or earned in this world that can guarantee a safe, happy, stressless future (no, not even a BComm my friends). I've learned that I am a person driven by my interests and not by a need to do well in everything (i.e. I do well in courses that I am really interested in but if I am in a course I detest, I cannot convince myself to put my mind into it). I've also learned that there is no way you can finish learning. More recently, I've learned that, if given a choice, I'd much rather spend my life learning and staying in school.

So long, my formal education. Till we meet again. I hope this isn't the end of our bitter-sweet relationship.

Keep Calm and Carry On

A few weeks ago I was up at SFU, perusing the bookstore when I found a cool 2011 agenda book (ya they're selling those already!) and the cover was based on this British propaganda poster that was designed during WWII. According to my best friend (aka Wikipedia) the poster was designed in 1939 (the beginning of WWII) as a "last case scenario" should the Nazis succeed in invading Britain. However, none of the printed posters were distributed and the design was not rediscovered until 2000 in a British bookstore.

I think this is a good reminder for a lot of us today as we face random(?) disasters (manmade and natural), problems (self- and others-generated) and hardship. As the Bible says, none of us get to add a day to our lives by worrying.

And to fit with this general idea of not worrying and having things solve themselves, I've changed my welcome picture-banner thing up there to a historical photo of the Yalta Conference starring Churchill, FDR and Stalin that was intended to rebuild the Europe post-war. Of course this whole thing lend to other issues but that's something else...

what's going on?

For the past few days, I feel as if I'm being hounded/annoyed by something but I'm not sure what it might be. It seems like I've either forgotten to do something that is quite urgent/important or that there is a approaching deadline that I've yet to deal with. I can think of a feel reasons why I might be feeling anxious...

• I was supposed to have a paper due Thursday but the prof already postponed that...
• I have a paper proposal due also on Thursday but I've finished that already
• I have a performance on Friday night but I'm quite ready I think. And usually these things don't start to stress me out until around an hour before I actually have to get on stage
• I have to lead worship this week. And there's a new worship team member. Actually this one might be one of the reasons.
• I've yet to catch up last week and this week's course readings. This one is probably it too.
• I haven't translated an article that I was supposed to have translated by last Friday. Yup this one too.
• I haven't been to one of my course lectures for far too long (although it is rather useless). This one's definitely one.

Okay so I think I've got a few reasons down. Then again, some may suggest that this anxiety is biological. Oh c'mon it's not that unreasonable, please!

CBK

For the past few days, I've been busily working on my Unabomber essay, waking up extra early and all that, only to find out today that the professor has postponed the paper for two weeks. I'm relieved but at the same time somewhat ticked off because I've been working so hard on it and have been looking forward to handing it in on Thursday.

I wish I can say that I will effectively use these two weeks to improve and polish it better but I honestly doubt that will happen. I really wished that I was someone who really puts it more effort and drives for perfection, instead of someone who just put the minimum amount of effort in and just aims to get the work finish. I have to say that my 'minimum amount of effort' probably gets me further than most people's 'minimum amount of effort' but I just know that if i really tried, i can really do that much better and would've probably reached most of my goals by now (instead of just forgetting about them or changing my mind about them). I don't know why I have such a hard time motivating myself to really get off my ass and really do really well in something instead of being satisfactory in everything. And whenever I do actually manage to get off my ass (oh, a once in a blue moon kinda thing), I just sit back down and lose drive just as quickly.

I'm not just talking about academics or school but also in my relationship with God, my relationship with people, my fitness plan, my savings, my relationship with my family, my worship leading, my fellowship vice-chairperson being, my singing, my devotional life, my character building. Everything.

And this is the worse part, the part that I most loath in myself: my sitting here whining about this and then tomorrow I will wake up and everything will still be the same. I will still pick songs for Sunday's worship without spending enough time praying. I will still go to fellowship and just count the offering, take attendance and that's it for my vice-chairman tasks. I will still talk back to my mom or ignore my dad. I will still aim to finish a 15-page paper instead of aiming to finish a perfect 15-page paper. I will still not read the Bible for days at end. I will still doubt things that people say and not take them for face-value. I will still spend more money than I really should. I will still sleep in instead of going to the gym. I will still not trust the people that I really should trust by now.

I need to be a CBK: a 'cycle-breaking Kathy'.

But today, yes at least today, I felt truly disgusted with myself and was honest about it. So sue me.

自我檢討

有時候, 我覺得我很需要一個敢閙我, 一個敢毫不客氣跟我説話的人. 我懶惰的時候會踢我, 我"克人爭"的時候又會跟我說, 做錯又會毫不偶爾指出我的錯誤. 但是, 我大部分時間都是一個滿恐怖的人, 又不容易接受批評, 反而會覺得夠膽對我誠實的人對我有敵意. 説到底, 我都是覺得自己是一個很小氣的人, 不喜歡給別人"話", 又惡又大聲, 搞到無人敢跟我說這些事. 真是要好好自己檢討一下...

Just a weird funny thought: recently, I realized that as much as I love and adore Vancouver, I feel like I belong in China.

A Match For A Match

Today, I was reminded by a person that truly inspires me to be well-prepared for everything. As I wouldn't have gone into a taekwondo competition without stretching, or a piano exam without practicing scales, or a driving exam without making sure the mirrors and seat are well adjusted, or a singing performance without doing doing vocal warm up, or even going to school without my pencil bag or my notepad, why would I ever do anything else in my life, without preparing for it?

Had a really great relaxing day tonight just playing Monopoly with Karen, 鄭少 and MickMo. Although I only ended up with $4 and 250$ worth of debt, the laughing does my body a great deal of exercise that no amount of gym workout can match.