Hello Blogger,
It's been a well since we've connected. How are you?
The last time we spoke, I was 21 going onto 22. Now I'm 23, almost 24.
The last time we spoke, I finished my 4 years of post-secondary education, wrote my LSAT, was hoping to get into law school, thought Fairchild would be a 3-months thing and knew I was going to China soon. Now I am thinking of writing yet another LSAT after a 2 year hiatus, think maybe not all is lost with law school just yet, am still at Fairchild (making the same wage I might add) and hoping I can go to China again soon.
The last time we spoke, I am pretty sure I weighed under 130lb. Now I'm pretty sure I'm over.
The last time we spoke, I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself or in the people around me. Now I have even less confidence in myself, in some people that I used to have a world of confidence in, but more confidence in the people that I used to have less confidence in.
How have you been? I missed you.
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rants. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sunday, August 22, 2010
原來我好弱
Somewhere between "a long time ago" and "now", I have become a little weakling in my own right. I used to never get sick (or at most, twice a year) but in the recent years I've been getting sick more and more often and it's cutting into my ability to function properly (at least a handful of times each year).
The last time I was sick was June of this year (right before my vacation and i was so worried that they wouldn't let me on the plane!). I am already sick again...in just two months! What happened to the stuff they teach you in Biology 12 that you become immune to certain germs once you've had them? Did that germ evolve so fast that I am vulnerable to it again in just two months?! What the hell is going on?! Is the information in Biology 12 textbooks from just 5 years ago no longer valid?!
So now, I still have to work tomorrow because no one else can work for me and I'll still having to audition on Tuesday even though I probably can't sing higher than a C (and by that, I meant middle C).
This is BS! I have all the signs of a healthy lifestyle: I don't even drink pop or eat fast food often, I get enough servings of veggies regularly enough, i try to have a piece of fruit each day, I am not obese or underweight, I don't go on random diets or eating binges (not so certain about the latter actually), I walked for a few hours twice each week (aka my gourmet shifts), I don't sleep with my make up on, I don't drink excessively or smoke or take drugs or engage in self-destructing behaviour. SO WHAT'S GOING ON!?
The last time I was sick was June of this year (right before my vacation and i was so worried that they wouldn't let me on the plane!). I am already sick again...in just two months! What happened to the stuff they teach you in Biology 12 that you become immune to certain germs once you've had them? Did that germ evolve so fast that I am vulnerable to it again in just two months?! What the hell is going on?! Is the information in Biology 12 textbooks from just 5 years ago no longer valid?!
So now, I still have to work tomorrow because no one else can work for me and I'll still having to audition on Tuesday even though I probably can't sing higher than a C (and by that, I meant middle C).
This is BS! I have all the signs of a healthy lifestyle: I don't even drink pop or eat fast food often, I get enough servings of veggies regularly enough, i try to have a piece of fruit each day, I am not obese or underweight, I don't go on random diets or eating binges (not so certain about the latter actually), I walked for a few hours twice each week (aka my gourmet shifts), I don't sleep with my make up on, I don't drink excessively or smoke or take drugs or engage in self-destructing behaviour. SO WHAT'S GOING ON!?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Lessons from Michael Buble
Last night, after seeing Michael Buble at GM Place (aka Rogers Arena now), I wiki-ed him when I got home. According to Wikipedia, when Buble was a teenager, he'd sleep on his Bible and pray really hard that he could become a singer.
In my memory, there was a handful of times in my life so far where I've felt like I really want something and that I cannot imagine my life if I were to fail to get or achieve it. It's as if day in day out my thoughts would just go back to this one thing that I'm trying to achieve and that every other priority, responsibility or possibility just pales compared to this one big glowing "destiny" that I'm striving to fulfill.
Sometimes, I'd be pushing full-force ahead: I would be really confident that I can achieve this "Manifest Destiny" like there's no other way that things could possibly unfold and that this is what's "meant to be". I'd be confident enough to go and tell others that "ya, that's what's gonna happen to me in ____ amount of time". I'd be confident enough to take every step that I need to take in such a way that I don't treat them as hurdles in my path to success but rather as just steps (like how one most boil water and open the package of instant noodles before one can cook instant noodles to eat - the act of boiling water and opening the package are just steps, not hurdles).
Other times, I just want to sleep through all of it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I must do what I must. I'd be convinced that there's no way I can do it but maybe luck can bring me through. I'd regret ever telling people that I'm trying to achieve this because I'll be so afraid of having eventually to admit that I've failed in front of these people. Or having to face myself for my failures.
Well, at least things worked out for Buble.
In my memory, there was a handful of times in my life so far where I've felt like I really want something and that I cannot imagine my life if I were to fail to get or achieve it. It's as if day in day out my thoughts would just go back to this one thing that I'm trying to achieve and that every other priority, responsibility or possibility just pales compared to this one big glowing "destiny" that I'm striving to fulfill.
Sometimes, I'd be pushing full-force ahead: I would be really confident that I can achieve this "Manifest Destiny" like there's no other way that things could possibly unfold and that this is what's "meant to be". I'd be confident enough to go and tell others that "ya, that's what's gonna happen to me in ____ amount of time". I'd be confident enough to take every step that I need to take in such a way that I don't treat them as hurdles in my path to success but rather as just steps (like how one most boil water and open the package of instant noodles before one can cook instant noodles to eat - the act of boiling water and opening the package are just steps, not hurdles).
Other times, I just want to sleep through all of it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I must do what I must. I'd be convinced that there's no way I can do it but maybe luck can bring me through. I'd regret ever telling people that I'm trying to achieve this because I'll be so afraid of having eventually to admit that I've failed in front of these people. Or having to face myself for my failures.
Well, at least things worked out for Buble.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
no pain, no gain
And that goes for booking my flight to NYC with air miles too.
Because I've been flying to and around Asia so frequently in the past few years (YVR --> HKG x3 (06, 08, 09) and HKG --> NGB (09)), I only need to use $120 CDN to "buy" more airmiles in order to get a "free" ticket to NYC this summer.
Of course, since CX is technically only making $120 CDN off of me out of this transaction, there is no possible way that they will make it easy for me.
But again: no pain no gain. I've presevered through and defeated the site tech errors, the inconvenient flight times, the constantly-busy "24-hours help hotline", the pestering parents, the $100 Canadian airport tax and have now (I think) booked myself a vacation to NYC.
Because I've been flying to and around Asia so frequently in the past few years (YVR --> HKG x3 (06, 08, 09) and HKG --> NGB (09)), I only need to use $120 CDN to "buy" more airmiles in order to get a "free" ticket to NYC this summer.
Of course, since CX is technically only making $120 CDN off of me out of this transaction, there is no possible way that they will make it easy for me.
But again: no pain no gain. I've presevered through and defeated the site tech errors, the inconvenient flight times, the constantly-busy "24-hours help hotline", the pestering parents, the $100 Canadian airport tax and have now (I think) booked myself a vacation to NYC.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
what's going on?
For the past few days, I feel as if I'm being hounded/annoyed by something but I'm not sure what it might be. It seems like I've either forgotten to do something that is quite urgent/important or that there is a approaching deadline that I've yet to deal with. I can think of a feel reasons why I might be feeling anxious...
- I was supposed to have a paper due Thursday but the prof already postponed that...
- I have a paper proposal due also on Thursday but I've finished that already
- I have a performance on Friday night but I'm quite ready I think. And usually these things don't start to stress me out until around an hour before I actually have to get on stage
- I have to lead worship this week. And there's a new worship team member. Actually this one might be one of the reasons.
- I've yet to catch up last week and this week's course readings. This one is probably it too.
- I haven't translated an article that I was supposed to have translated by last Friday. Yup this one too.
- I haven't been to one of my course lectures for far too long (although it is rather useless). This one's definitely one.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
CBK
For the past few days, I've been busily working on my Unabomber essay, waking up extra early and all that, only to find out today that the professor has postponed the paper for two weeks. I'm relieved but at the same time somewhat ticked off because I've been working so hard on it and have been looking forward to handing it in on Thursday.
I wish I can say that I will effectively use these two weeks to improve and polish it better but I honestly doubt that will happen. I really wished that I was someone who really puts it more effort and drives for perfection, instead of someone who just put the minimum amount of effort in and just aims to get the work finish. I have to say that my 'minimum amount of effort' probably gets me further than most people's 'minimum amount of effort' but I just know that if i really tried, i can really do that much better and would've probably reached most of my goals by now (instead of just forgetting about them or changing my mind about them). I don't know why I have such a hard time motivating myself to really get off my ass and really do really well in something instead of being satisfactory in everything. And whenever I do actually manage to get off my ass (oh, a once in a blue moon kinda thing), I just sit back down and lose drive just as quickly.
I'm not just talking about academics or school but also in my relationship with God, my relationship with people, my fitness plan, my savings, my relationship with my family, my worship leading, my fellowship vice-chairperson being, my singing, my devotional life, my character building. Everything.
And this is the worse part, the part that I most loath in myself: my sitting here whining about this and then tomorrow I will wake up and everything will still be the same. I will still pick songs for Sunday's worship without spending enough time praying. I will still go to fellowship and just count the offering, take attendance and that's it for my vice-chairman tasks. I will still talk back to my mom or ignore my dad. I will still aim to finish a 15-page paper instead of aiming to finish a perfect 15-page paper. I will still not read the Bible for days at end. I will still doubt things that people say and not take them for face-value. I will still spend more money than I really should. I will still sleep in instead of going to the gym. I will still not trust the people that I really should trust by now.
I need to be a CBK: a 'cycle-breaking Kathy'.
But today, yes at least today, I felt truly disgusted with myself and was honest about it. So sue me.
I wish I can say that I will effectively use these two weeks to improve and polish it better but I honestly doubt that will happen. I really wished that I was someone who really puts it more effort and drives for perfection, instead of someone who just put the minimum amount of effort in and just aims to get the work finish. I have to say that my 'minimum amount of effort' probably gets me further than most people's 'minimum amount of effort' but I just know that if i really tried, i can really do that much better and would've probably reached most of my goals by now (instead of just forgetting about them or changing my mind about them). I don't know why I have such a hard time motivating myself to really get off my ass and really do really well in something instead of being satisfactory in everything. And whenever I do actually manage to get off my ass (oh, a once in a blue moon kinda thing), I just sit back down and lose drive just as quickly.
I'm not just talking about academics or school but also in my relationship with God, my relationship with people, my fitness plan, my savings, my relationship with my family, my worship leading, my fellowship vice-chairperson being, my singing, my devotional life, my character building. Everything.
And this is the worse part, the part that I most loath in myself: my sitting here whining about this and then tomorrow I will wake up and everything will still be the same. I will still pick songs for Sunday's worship without spending enough time praying. I will still go to fellowship and just count the offering, take attendance and that's it for my vice-chairman tasks. I will still talk back to my mom or ignore my dad. I will still aim to finish a 15-page paper instead of aiming to finish a perfect 15-page paper. I will still not read the Bible for days at end. I will still doubt things that people say and not take them for face-value. I will still spend more money than I really should. I will still sleep in instead of going to the gym. I will still not trust the people that I really should trust by now.
I need to be a CBK: a 'cycle-breaking Kathy'.
But today, yes at least today, I felt truly disgusted with myself and was honest about it. So sue me.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Laziness, beef, pork and "voice-capability crises"...
i don't know what's wrong with me.
Lots of times in my everyday life, things would happen to me or I would see something or a thought would come up in my mind and I'll go "hey! I should record that down in my blog tonight" but when I go home I just forget about it or (worse yet) remember it but just be too lazy to type it out here. The result is that 1. I forget most of what happens to me and 2. This blog is stranded for weeks at times.
Anyways...
I've managed to gone one full week (minus Sunday) without pork or beef to celebrate Lent. Frankly, I am quite proud of myself because it is a very difficult feat for a foodie like me (esp. tonight when my mom made my all time favourite 鹹蛋豬肉) but I've managed thus far. I do get really hungry at night since some meals I just eat vegetables and rice but other than that, I've been okay. Just a bit more over a month to go...
Another thing that's been bugging me for the past week is my singing. As a general rule, I try to avoid listening any recordings of my own singing (unless I'm part of a choir in which case I won't be able to hear my own voice) because, honestly, I hate my singing and if i can avoid listening to it I won't suffer from an voice-capability crisis like I am right now. Really I am not even exaggerating or being cocky. On Sunday as I sat there and listened to my own voice I can barely kept a straight face because it was like torture. I simply cannot stand it and I felt sorry for everyone else in the room who has to endure 3 minutes of this (for lack of a better word) crap. And I am quite convinced that it was not the song (actually the song itself was great) because this is not the first time I've heard my sing and thought to myself "Wow 3 years of training and so much money for this bs?" (not that my teachers were, in any way, bs because they are awesome singers)
Which begs the question, are you actually good at something if you yourself don't think that you are?
Lots of times in my everyday life, things would happen to me or I would see something or a thought would come up in my mind and I'll go "hey! I should record that down in my blog tonight" but when I go home I just forget about it or (worse yet) remember it but just be too lazy to type it out here. The result is that 1. I forget most of what happens to me and 2. This blog is stranded for weeks at times.
Anyways...
I've managed to gone one full week (minus Sunday) without pork or beef to celebrate Lent. Frankly, I am quite proud of myself because it is a very difficult feat for a foodie like me (esp. tonight when my mom made my all time favourite 鹹蛋豬肉) but I've managed thus far. I do get really hungry at night since some meals I just eat vegetables and rice but other than that, I've been okay. Just a bit more over a month to go...
Another thing that's been bugging me for the past week is my singing. As a general rule, I try to avoid listening any recordings of my own singing (unless I'm part of a choir in which case I won't be able to hear my own voice) because, honestly, I hate my singing and if i can avoid listening to it I won't suffer from an voice-capability crisis like I am right now. Really I am not even exaggerating or being cocky. On Sunday as I sat there and listened to my own voice I can barely kept a straight face because it was like torture. I simply cannot stand it and I felt sorry for everyone else in the room who has to endure 3 minutes of this (for lack of a better word) crap. And I am quite convinced that it was not the song (actually the song itself was great) because this is not the first time I've heard my sing and thought to myself "Wow 3 years of training and so much money for this bs?" (not that my teachers were, in any way, bs because they are awesome singers)
Which begs the question, are you actually good at something if you yourself don't think that you are?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sick Cat
Good thing UBC only haunts me on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester because I have become a 病貓 today: my entire skull is itching (this is the best way I can think of to describe the sensation), my throat is as dry as the Sahara even though I've been drowning it with all sorts of liquids and limbs are sore-er than a first-time-snowboarder's butt (I will find out how sore that exactly feels this coming Friday!!!).
Sunday, December 13, 2009
indecisiveness
today's one of those days where either i'm pms-ing or just being emo and feeling really frustrated that no one really understands what i'm saying/feeling.
okay. saying that just made me feel like a whiny high school 'mean-girl' where everything is me! me! me! Perhaps i need to be more decisive: either i swing to the left and decide that it doesn't matter that no one understands what i'm saying/feeling and screw it all OR i swing to the right and go tell the people that I am frustrated with that I am frustrated with them and list out exactly why.
but no, that would've made it too easy. being the usual indecisive me, i am caught smack in the middle.
okay. saying that just made me feel like a whiny high school 'mean-girl' where everything is me! me! me! Perhaps i need to be more decisive: either i swing to the left and decide that it doesn't matter that no one understands what i'm saying/feeling and screw it all OR i swing to the right and go tell the people that I am frustrated with that I am frustrated with them and list out exactly why.
but no, that would've made it too easy. being the usual indecisive me, i am caught smack in the middle.
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